Review: Coca-Cola Cherry Zero
Jul 30th, 2007 by Edward Pollard
How close can one can of carbonated beverage come to perfection without having an alcohol content percentage stamped on the side of the can? Before my trip to Montana I would have said not close at all. But on that trip I received a revelation that has shown me the error of such a hasty judgment. That revelation is Coca-Cola Cherry Zero.
Despite having a pretty odd name - two adjectives following the brand name in a rather “there you have it” manner - Coca-Cola Cherry Zero serves up refreshing cola taste with a hint of cherry flavour, all with zero calories. For some time now the idiots who distribute Coca-Cola products in my neck of the woods have pulled Coca-Cola Cherry right off the shelves, replacing it with some vulgar black cherry vanilla concoction that was only available in diet format. That shit pretty much tastes like water that someone boiled socks in, added aspartame, and carbonated. If I could punch the person who made that decision in the face I totally would. Even if it was a girl.
So I knew I would be reunited with my lamented, lost Coca-Cola Cherry when I visited the United States, but I did not expect to find a diet version of the same product loaded with acesulfame-potassium! I’ve been a convert to Coca-Cola Zero since it came on the market and I decided to not be fat anymore, but this was an unexpected delight!
The results: pure bliss. A beautiful blend of flavours with almost no aftertaste. Is it like sex in a can? No. Its better than sex in a can. So much better.
But, is this divine ambrosia available in Canada? Why of course not! Why would they do that? Perhaps it is just a function of our limited population. If, say, the same percentage of consumers in Canada and the United States are interested in this product that means you have a hell of a lot more Americans to sell to than Canadians. I think that a lot really - about our population, I mean. In Canada we have shitty television service, shitty cell phone service, and apparently we only deserve the most mainstream of soda options. Sometimes I look on our population numbers and say: this is why we can’t have nice things!
That does nothing to diminish the pure awesome that is contained in every can of Coca-Cola Cherry Zero, however.
Score: 1,456/10
Ok,
First your Simpsons review (you hated it, I loved it), and now this - you actually like this stuff? I bought a case last time I was stateside, and, for the first time in my life, I POURED THE ENTIRE CASE DOWN THE DRAIN after unsuccessfully attempting to drink two cans. This is the most vile shit ever. -1456/10
Well its not my fault you are insane.
There are those who like diet, and those who do not.
It seems that the population argument and the cost of shipping argument are the touchstones for the big American companies or the internationals to do half ass jobs in Canada. I would suggest supporting domestic companies on that front, but the problem is that many of these are propagating the “shackling” that we see.
I’m not a fan of Zero (tastes too much of whatever cancer-inducing sweetener they’re using), but I do like Cherry Coke. However, I haven’t seen it here in Sweden for over 10 years…
Vanilla Coke also had a brief existence here around 2004-2005, then it vanished again.
I’ll make you a deal. I’ll ship you all the Cherry Coke Zero you want if you ship me cans of Tim Horton’s Coffee. That stuff is like crack to me…