Performance Anxiety
Feb 21st, 2008 by Edward Pollard
So. I’ve been having fun.
I’ve got more than a few drafts of super wound up blog posts detailing my recent antics in the queue, but let me skip their unfinishedness and cut to the chase: I’m fucking busy. I’m super fucking busy. I’m so god damned busy its unbelievable. I mean I could tell you more, but like I just said you would not believe me. So why should I bother?
The thing about switching industries is that I reek like the new kid on the block at work. And the thing about my new industry - video games - is that it above all celebrates talent and crushes incompetence with no mercy. I am constantly having to sprint up extremely steep hills, and at the top is just the bottom of another steep hills.
I’m learning stuff. I’m performing well above where I ever performed before. I’m actually liking it, too. I’m really liking it a lot.
But bloody hell is it tiring.
The only other issue is that while everyone is expecting you to perform at 100%, its really hard to get any metrics or feedback on how close or far you are from the mark. Ok, sure, if you’re really dropping the ball you know it. You know it because they will run you out the door if you keep that shit up. But today I sat in a project meeting with some extremely talented people and the floor was opened to opinions on how the work at hand should be handled. And I had opinions. I had good opinions.
But more than one person gave me the look that meant “you Sir, have not been through the trial of fire. Nor the trial of blades. Your opinion is worth what, then, exactly?”. These are people who put in 100+ hour weeks in the closing months of Mass Effect. These are people who kick the ass of other people who make really great games, let alone me
.
So I’m not saying the look wasn’t fair. But it is intimidating.
With a title like “performance anxiety”, I was all set to make a comment about how Jen’s one of the most forgiving people around. Then, after reading your heartfelt post, I figured that that would make me one of the biggest jerks… so yeah, thanks for robbing me of that.
Keep your head down, keep on learning, and never be embarrassed to express your opinion. Unless it sucks. Then, don’t.
And yeah, get your ass out here sometime this summer so that we can drink like fish on the deck. I miss my Pollards.
It is hard to imagine you in a meeting where you are weary of expressing your opinions.
You will sway them all with your charm soon I’m sure.
I know what that feels like - talking with Dean’s and Chairs. But be true to yourself and if you want to avoid slings and arrows at the conference table, start talking on the side out of the meetings and use what comes out of those in the meeting. If all else fails, be yourself. That is why you are there and that is why they hired you.